of fools and follies
by marshymellowmonster
Summary: not such a love story. SLASH- you have been warned. Dave Lister reflects on how he found love, in a rather strange way- and how he can hardly believe it himself. goes AU during holoship and will continue AU of episodes after that. First chapter is preslash, but I have messed around with canon and for that I am so so sorry. please read and review. reviews are life.
1. Chapter 1

_ok after the disaster that was my last attempt at a slash story (which I have no idea how to work over) I decided to come up with this one. hopefully this will be better. please read and review to tell me how this chapter is so I know what to do to make a good story._

 _Disclaimer- I do not own Red Dwarf. This is my twisted take on the gift that Rob Grant and Doug Naylor have given us. I will never own it. if I owned it I would not be writing fanfic. if I actually wrote it I think it would have failed._

* * *

If David Lister, the last man alive, was to ever start writing his life story, logically it should begin with a cardboard box, a pool table, and a dive of a pub in Liverpool. But David Lister could never be described as logical, and he really felt that his early life did not define him. He was still just growing into himself after all. Given the choice, he would rather start at a much more interesting point, a much later chapter of his life- finding love.

However the issue was simply an academic one as Lister would never write his life story. He hated writing more than he hated reading, he saw both as pointless and without writing he wouldn't have to read. Furthermore, it would be absolutely pointless, as the funny thing about being the last human is that there is no one to read anything, even if they were interested in reading the garbled autobiography of a common scouser. Though, if he were to write it, love is where he would begin. Because if he was anything, he was a romantic smeghead.

* * *

It was a rather long story, several chapters forming one big part of his life. It was hard to know where it began. It started off, he reflected, with finding a holoship. Holoships were ships where everything was a hologram- the ship itself, the computer and the crews. Since holograms could touch other holograms the result was that they appeared to have a solid physical presence- so naturally Rimmer was all over it.

He'd buggered off, taken by the crew of the ship in an orb of blue light. Then he'd come back to gloat. For some reason though one of the hologrammatic crew was after Rimmer though, and Rimmer- Mr desperate for a shag- was avoiding her. Even with that, he desperately wanted to join the crew, to touch, to feel, to get shagged twice a day on captain's orders.

Lister, in his very finite wisdom decided the best thing to do was to corner Rimmer and ask him what the smeg was going on. The last thing he expected, except them turning into mongooses and dancing the bolero, was a cry for help. But when he finally tracked the errant hologram that's what he got.

* * *

"Why me, man?" Lister asked, shock blatantly obvious on his face. He expected to be the last person Rimmer would ever ask for help. Well he was the first and last person he _could_ ask, but Rimmer never asked for help even when he needed it.

"Because, you unwashed space bum there is no one else to ask, haven't you noticed you are the last representative of Homo Sapiens, god help us." Rimmer explained, sarcasm injected into every word with precision that still didn't fool Lister.

"Why are _you_ asking for help though?" the scouser asked, still shocked that Mr In Control was deigning to ask for his help in something.

The hologram sighed, conflict visible in his eyes as he tried to decide whether to tell the truth for once or whether to stick by the habit of an existence and lie. He was a terrible liar, though that had never stopped him from trying. "Because you're better at all that romance smeg than me, and there has to be a first time for everything." Even telling the truth, even swallowing the pride he didn't deserve and admitting he couldn't do it alone.

"Even losing your virginity, eh smeghead" Lister said mouth opening and making a smart answer before his brain had a chance to engage. Not that his brain would have stopped him. His brain never stopped him when it came to taunting Rimmer. Sometimes, it even liked to join in, though it usually just let his mouth do all the work.

"What!" Rimmer shouted fuming at the comment, his eyes slowly turned unsure though and he continued "yes, Listy even that, you know I gave _her_ one!" His voice betrayed him though, and suddenly Lister realised something. Something that if handled right could mean he could get his way for months. Rimmer was lying about McGruder. It was brilliant blackmail material, if he could find a way to keep taunting Rimmer over it. Which he would.

"Arnold Judas Rimmer, YOU are a smegging _virgin!"_ Lister shouted, full of mirth at his newfound realisation. He purposely kept the shout from becoming too loud though, 'what use is blackmail if everyone has already heard it' he thought.

"No!" Rimmer shouted "I'm not, no, no, no" with every no that came out of his mouth he sounded quieter and more nervous, and he sighed, mentally preparing for the fact he had now done such a bad job of lying he might as well admit it. "Yes" he squeaked, his voice barely more than a whisper "please, _don't_ tell anybody". He was ready to beg, and plead all just to make this go away.

Lister saw and heard the pain in those simple words. He may not be a saint, but Lister was not a complete scumbag, and he knew somethings were off limit. "Alrigh' mate, I won't" he assured Rimmer, as by sheer telepathy he realised this was even more off limits than Gazpacho soup, it was even more off limits than reading the Carol McCauley letters over the ships intercom would be if the crew were still alive.

Rimmer was sitting at his bunk, head in hands, looking so dejected and vulnerable Lister didn't know whether to sneer or give the soft light man the world's most unsatisfying hug. In the end he chose neither, and just sat and watched, ready to listen if the hologram said any more. Soon, he did "whilst we're in the sharing mood Listy I should probably tell you something. I think I'm gay." The moment he said it, he wished he hadn't, so blunt, even with the words I think thrown in.

"Hang on!" Lister yelled, dumbstruck by the announcement, not so much the news- he'd guessed that for years, but by the fact the world's most homophobic man had just come out of the closet. "If you think you're gay, why the hell are you askin' me to help ya romance that Nirvana bird?" the rest of his questions could wait until later, when he'd worked out exactly what to ask.

"I'm not asking you to help me romance her, I'm asking you to help me find a way to let her down gently- the moment she suggested sleeping together I knew- I'm not attracted to her. Or any other females of the… woman variety." Rimmer said, working out how to say things in his head that came out as complete rubbish, as usual.

"You class telling her to smeg off cos you don't swing that way _romantic smeg?"_ Lister asked absolutely incredulous. Whilst the hologram's _leanings_ explained so much, it did not explain his lack of tact. "man, I'd hate to see what you would class as a bad breakup then Rimmer." He said unable to help himself from having just a littler dig at the hologram's expense.

"Well not telling her to smeg off, letting her down gently" Rimmer assured Lister, his eyes pleading for help. He had never been in this situation before, but Lister definitely had been.

Rolling his eyes so dramatically he was sure he made a noise, Lister said "yeah cos that's so much better innit" but he helped the hologram anyway.

* * *

A few hours later Rimmer returned to Starbug having been thoroughly humiliated. He'd tried the easy approach that Lister recommended, but had flubbed it in true form, and ended up being punched in the face by a fiery redhead. He didn't even know holograms could break bones, but Rimmer certainly had himself a badly broken nose. Then afterwards, when the exam had started… well the less said the better. Kryten had refused to administer the mind patches, and so Rimmer was utterly lost without them. He'd forfeited almost immediately, and was given the choice- get switched off and get put in storage in case another place opened up, or return to his own ship. Needless to say, he chose the latter.

When he returned to the ship, completely dejected with a black eye and a popped nose, he wanted to hide. Then he wanted to die, again. Though not necessarily in that order. The last thing he wanted to do, was to talk to Lister, about his admission earlier or anything else, but Lister was waiting for him.

"Why'd 'ya hide it man? None of us have got a problem with it you know that right?" Lister had started as Rimmer got Holly to change him into pyjamas.

Rimmer sighed. 'Here we go' he thought to himself. "I don't know, I mean, I've been hiding it from myself and everybody else for so long. I didn't even realise I really was that way, until I was _offered_ sex by this beautiful woman and didn't feel a thing".

"So Yvonne McGruder. It was a lie. You used her?" Lister questioned. He didn't like the idea of anyone being used as a beard ***** , least of all as a totally unconvincing one by Rimmer.

"Yes it was a lie, but no I didn't use her. McGruder was from Europa Lister- second only to Io in terms of backwards homophobic idylls of the Solar System. It suited both of us to be seen seeing someone Lister. We had plans to pretend to go steady, at least until he got that transfer onto the same ship as he girlfriend just before the accident." Rimmer confessed, he'd rather liked McGruder, as a friend and they had sworn to keep in touch- but he died before he could respond to her first letter.

"Yvonne McGruder was gay? Ship's bike maybe but not gay." Lister hadn't been surprised about his bunkmate, but McGruder? She'd been seen with virtually every bloke aboard. 'What better cover' he mused.

"She was a female boxer _Lister"_ Rimmer said, emphasising his name to show just how thick he felt the Liverpudlian was acting.

"Doesn't mean a thing, _Rimmer."_ Lister retorted, not quite believing the stereotyping.

"Whatever- I'm going to sleep" Rimmer yawned out then called for the lights to go out, leaving Lister alone with his thoughts.

* * *

 ***beard- a woman who forms a cover for a gay man's identity.**

 **PLEASE read and review.**


	2. Chapter 2

A/N sorry its so short. and after such a long time. I've been busy.

Disclaimer- I do NOT own Red Dwarf. If I did would I be writing fanfiction. NO! This shit would be canon! (maybe its better that I don't own it) Whilst I would be glad to own it, I cannot pay in anything but a couple of tickets for Dunsfold Wings and Wheels airshow on Saturday. Which no-one would want.

* * *

The next event, one of many that contributed to this stage in Lister's life was during and after the Inquisitor incident. The whole event was important really, not just in the tale of love but in the entirety of Lister's life, however, looking back, Lister did usually see it as a change in his love life rather than as part of the bigger picture.

Lister knew full well Rimmer was a weasel. No matter what he knew about the man, secrets or otherwise, nothing would change this irrefutable fact. What did surprise him however was that Rimmer had managed to weasel his way out of being removed from time- Lister would have thought the man would have put his foot in it somewhere, because let's face it, nothing goes right for Arnold J. Rimmer. The Cat he wasn't particularly surprised about, or Kryten he knew their personalities and could guess their outcome. He was disappointed about himself though. He thought he could talk his way out of anything with his golden tongue and maybe the occasional cute smile. Oh well, he'd just have to practise more then wouldn't he. His girlfriends, especially Lise, had always said he had a golden tongue…

It didn't really matter much though in the end. It had all worked out fine eventually. He and Kryten were unchained, he had a cool robotic hand for pranking purposes and most of all the inquisitor had been vanquished. The backfiring time gauntlet had been a wonderful idea, eliminating the baddie from time and undoing all his effects was truly great feeling. Sure, the dangling over the landing bay idea wasn't brilliant since it had cost him his favourite zippo, but then he had others. You had to take the rough with the smooth.

Looking back however, it was the way Rimmer looked at him, with no recognition that was the breakthrough moment. Seeing the man he loved bickering was some other Lister was bad enough. But seeing him deny all the secrets he'd told Lister like he hadn't trusted him enough to tell him in the first place was the final straw. He had at least changed the name of the 'greenhouse' friend to make them female rather than male. Even if Rimmer didn't remember him, he had a duty not to betray what he'd been told in confidence. Lister was a man with morals and just didn't believe that anything like that could be alright.

Still, it took him a while to work out that this feeling was possessiveness, jealousy and love all mixed up into a heady cocktail. For a long time it was written off as anger, or exasperation or annoyance or seeing as Rimmer was involved all of the above. But the moment Dave Lister did realise his feelings his stomach leapt into his throat and then promptly dropped right out of his body. He couldn't believe it, didn't know how to react. Though he did eventually settle for an "oh smeg" then he dropped his head in his hands and cried, sticking sad romances on to disguise the reason. When it came to reactions, it could never be said that Lister did not stick to the old classics.

He had seen too his sperm-in-law's look at Rimmer. He seemed almost to try and calm the man down, to stop him from panicking and tell him everything was going to be fine. It was a lover's look as his Grandmother would have called it. Shortly before she would have smacked them both for the sappiness of it all. She couldn't abide "love and romance and all that smeg" for reasons she had never disclosed to the best of Lister's knowledge. Perhaps this was the reason the rebel in Lister absolutely loved it. He was sensitive, he was a hopeless romantic, and he was everything his Nan had absolutely hated but he still David Lister.

That night, as he lay in his bunk watching a super sappy classic called _Notting Hill_ he couldn't help thinking about of it. Of course it helped that thinking about it also helped him ignore Rimmer in the bunk below. He had been fuming that the telly had been adjusted so he couldn't vocally turn it off, a favour from Holly. Now he'd moved on to why all rom-coms were the same, because "they all had the same basic plots and the same actors" and "that smegging actor's characters are always the smegging same" and "all bumbling buffoons too shy to share love until he's almost lost it". Or something like that, Lister had long given up listening.

* * *

 _Rimmer's views on romantic comedies are based on my mothers. This is a real conversation (substitute bloody instead of smegging) that we, well, she had about Love Actually. She really does think that about Hugh Grant, and actually I do agree. I just don't care. Like Lister I'm a hopeless romantic when it comes to fictional relationships and love a good, decent or even bad romance sometimes. Just don't make me watch Sleepless In Seattle. I hate that film._


	3. sorry

Hey, I'll admit- I'm stuck with this story. So what I'm gonna do I try to update it when I can, but it might not get done for a long time. However in the meantime, I'm gonna leave it to tender. If anyone reading this wants to take it on- jut tell me, and you can have it. I hate leaving fics unfinished but right now I just don't know what to do, as to be honest my psyche isn't up to writing at the moment. I've tried continuing it for age but it all comes out as total smeg.

Sorry again, and I'll do what I can,

Marshymellowmonster


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